I give my all to You

Monday, August 15, 2005

Reflections..

Was just thinking about how time really flies. Just afew years ago, I was still in sec sch. I still remember wondering where I'd be in the next 5 years. I wasn't even sure that I'd be in JC, and I was pretty sure I wouldn't be in uni. I just didn't see myself in uni. I always thought I'd feel awkward and out of place in uni. To me, my life's journey was just till the end of sec sch, and it was a big black void after that. People asked me which JC I was aiming to go to, and I told them I didn't have a clue. I seriously didn't. I didn't have the same anticipation I had when I was in pri sch. I was looking forward to getting into Crez and finally be able to graduate from pri sch. But I didn't want to leave Crez at all. My most beautiful memories were formed there. I made my closest friends there. Although the bunch of us are still in contact, it's different. We don't have that constant, everyday contact anymore. We're all living our own lives now. Feels lonely at times. Sometimes I wish we were forever in sec sch. The best days of my life. Don't you get that thought sometimes?

But look at me now. No matter how much I wish to keep living in those years, time has passed, and I find myself completing JC, and I'm now in uni. Grown older, grown wiser. Learnt more, made more friends. But somehow still doesn't compare with the times in sec sch. Life isn't that carefree anymore. There're so many things to think about now. So much more of reality that I need to face now. Reality that my parents protected me from in the past. Reality that I didn't know existed. Was it a good thing or a bad thing that I wasn't exposed to real life till now? Wish time could stop at the time when things were so simple, when life was so easy. Just study, eat, sleep, and play. No need to think about finances, no need to think about the future. I realise I'm not the kind of pple who have this great ambition and go all out for it. I'm contented as I am. It doesn't matter to me if I have a fantastic job or not, as long as I can survive and enjoy myself. Ambitions. I don't think I have any. I say I want to be a teacher, but I'm not even sure if I'd enjoy it. I THINK I enjoy it, but does that mean I WILL? I want to live life to the fullest for God, but how?

Feel so alone at times. Like staying abroad alone. I know I have friends. But I can't have them around me 24/7. I'll still have to face things on my own. I know you'll say, "but you have God!!" Yeah I know He's with me. But being a human, it's still tough. No family beside me here too. But I know I'm alot stronger. I can take things now that I couldn't have taken in the past. I've learnt to depend on God like never before. That's what this whole thing is about I guess, stepping out of your comfort zone. All the happy times I had in the past are now history, and I can only take those memories out once in awhile and smile. I've become alot more like a robot than a human. Hardening myself so that I won't get hurt too much. Some parts of Michael Buble's song really resembles me. Sometimes, but not most of the time.

Home - Michael Buble

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with meBut this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be alright
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home